My House Is Clean & In Order Again!

We had a really bad week this week. Parents and family members seemed to have taken bitch/bastard pills, everyone had issues with someone. I was ready to kill anyone who looked at me sideways. The kids were so sick of looking at each other that I had to keep them separated or else mop up all the blood and snot. I was sure I had a few more years to go before they started beating the crap out of each other.... but I digress.

Snot #1 decided to steal a box filled with all my craft knives, stencil knives, fabric markers and expensive pens. I normally keep a close guard on this box, yet he managed to grab it without me noticing. WHEN I realised it was missing, I looked in all the lockable places I normally stash it to no avail. Snot #1 denied any and all knowledge of having seen or touched the box. It wasn't until I started tearing his toy area apart that he walked up to me with it in his hands.

I checked the Snot's bedroom and found shit had been sliced all over the place including sheets and mattresses. So on Friday night at 6:30pm this house went into lock down. All toys were locked away. All sharp objects were locked up. All my work/craft stuff was locked up. Then we started re-arranging the house. We have worked on it all weekend. We have tossed stuff out, culled toys, made repairs, moved the kids into the sunroom which used to be storage/office/ computer room/Snot #1's Toy Area and moved all our stuff into their old room. BIG SIZE DIFFERENCE PEOPLE!

We are cramped and it's untidy in here but I will be working on it all this week :) So..... seeing as Soggy worked so hard this weekend..... I thought I would show you the fruits of our labour. This is also PROOF that MY HOUSE WAS CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! As I have no doubt that it WILL NOT STAY THIS WAY and I may need proof to look at to assure myself it was not all in my head! So without further ado...... start scrolling :)

The Snot's new bedroom. All that is left in here that is not theirs is some very FIRMLY taped up storage boxes.

Snot #1 fast asleep in his bed. No..... he does not have a thing for Tigger or Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends...... really ....... honest.

Snot #2 fast asleep in his bed. The wooden wardrobe is the "Temporary Toy Lockup" which will be in use until their behaviour improves and they earn some toys back. It also provides a separation between them which seems to be working! No..... he does not have a thing for Eeyore (you can't see the one in his arms, or it's ear that he is chewing on while he sleeps)..... he also does not have a thing for Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends...... would I lie to you?

This is all the toys I have allowed them to keep out. You can't see the truck each that they have as they are in their "garages"....... also known as "under the bed parking".

My dining room...... is CLEAN. No food, no plates, no shoes, clothes, schoolbags, lunchboxes, dirty work boots or PEOPLE...... cause they are all ASLEEP! Which is just how I like them cause they don't mess up my house when they are asleep :)

We sorted through all the crap we had piled up here (and I know it won't look it to you, but we got rid of a hell of a lot of it!)..... where we assumed it was SAFE. My children have learnt how to use chairs and climb. I never noticed that we have them arranged so they look like stairs...... until I caught Snot #1 on top of the fridge. There is now nothing breakable or dangerous up there and everything is sealed with packing tape. He ain't getting into them unless he gnaws through the tape with his teeth!

My kitchen. CLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN. Sigh, swoon, grin.

My lounge. (Can you see where they have chewed the material off the arms of the chair? Bloody animals. I gave birth to beavers..... I swear I did). Remind me to take pictures of the gnaw marks in their cots and their beds!!!!! I had to borrow a Dyson vacuum from Soggy's parents as our vacuum D.I.E.D! Dear Santa, I need a Dyson for Christmas cause they suck soooooo good :)

Soggy did all this washing for me and hung it all out so it can dry tomorrow. It's so nice to be loved. Or so I hear :)

The kids even cleaned up all their outside toys (just don't open the cubby house door or you will cause an avalanche) and Soggy mowed the lawns.... all before I even got up this morning. (Note to self...... shagging husband until 3am will result in not even hearing 2 screaming brats and a lawnmower)

No toys....... niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. I am impressed.

The chair was tired apparently, so it laid down for a nap. I consider myself lucky that the chair is the ONLY THING OUT OF PLACE and will not complain.... at all.

The orifice... sorry office. This is my work/craft area and all my rolls of felt! Excuse the mess. I will get it tidied this week :) Snot #1 goes back to school in a few hours. Wooooooooohoooooooo!

Soggy's porn surfing/swear at stupid computer games area. I will also clean this area up this week. Soggy will hate me as he won't be able to FIND anything :) Which is how I want it. If he can't find it, he can't mess it up! (See...... I have an evil and dastardly plan at all times)

My porn surfing/stalk other bloggers/waste hours talking on the Internet area. It's already CLEAN..... so there!

All the stuff we had to put away. Put away as neatly as I could manage. All our books had to be packed away though. I just left out cookbooks and stuff we use all the time. And all the videos I still have to burn onto DVD before they snap or stretch anymore than they already are.

The new lockable door handle so the kids CANNOT get in here. They have to get the key from around my neck first! Bwah hahahahahahaha

My nice clean bedroom (except for the broken TV on the floor which has a date with the rubbish tip this weekend).

Shhhhhhhhhhh Soggy is all worn out and fast asleep. Do you like the "No Standing" sign above the bed? We do! See the pile of pillows on top of the Strider in the corner...... they were mentioned in an earlier post....... I am off to go snuggle into them all right now. I hope you enjoyed the tour :)

Love Von xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Fuffell and ZoZo

Oh faithful readers,

I have a request, I want you to go visit a blog for me. My brother has started his own blog. He may need some encouragement to keep going, though like me, he has never needed much prompting to talk :)

However being a virgin to msn messenger and blogging..... I'd like you lot to go welcome him, leave him some comments and make him feel at home. Make sure you tell him his warped sister sent you, or he may think freaky people are stalking him!!!!!

Thank you
xoxox Von xoxox

Confucius Says

Confucius says...... Woman who kneels on floor waiting for her husband to notice she is missing, and come and look for her so she can give him a suprise headjob.... will get sore knees and stomp off after getting sick of waiting.

Confucius also says..... Husband who is too busy looking at stupid videos on the internet to notice his wife is missing and look for her..... will miss out on a damn fine headjob.

Confucius adds..... Husband will get sore wrist when pissed off Wife shuts off his "toybox privileges" for the next month or two :)

Meme For Jess

Jess asked me to do this. I didn't get any rules with the request (insert evil snickering like Muttley). Do Enjoy :)

What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now?
There is J & J soap for the kids, Soap Free Dermatitis stuff for me and Lynx yummy smelling stuff for him that makes me drool and molest him immediately upon him getting out of shower.

Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
Yes. And it's vanishing FAST.... going.... going..... gooooooooooooooone.

What would you change about your living room?
Firstly..... I'd like to own a living room of my own. Then I'd install drop doors like they have in banks. Then I'd have sensors installed.... so that as soon as anything under 5'1" approached.... the doors drop from the ceiling and no one gets in..... read this as a kid free zone. Then I'd get me a big arsed soft squishy couch/daybed that I could snuggle into. A big BIG BIG TV, an even bigger stereo system and surround sound. I'd install subwoofers into all the chairs so we can all get some "good vibrations"! A mini bar. And finally a universal remote control that only responds to MY FINGERPRINTS so no one can channel surf while I am watching something :)

But seeing as we are renting..... I'll settle for moving into a house with a much bigger living room.

Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
DISHWASHER? You people are confusing me with the Yvonne Who Is Rich. I am the only dishwasher in this house, or at least the only one who does them consistently.... read this as at least 2 times a day.... and doesn't miss bits!

What is in your fridge?
The last time I checked...... 2 small children. There WAS food in there, but due to the kids being in there..... I doubt it's still there!

White or wheat bread?
Neither. We eat Wholemeal 9 grain bread cause it's yummy. But for fuck's sake DO NOT tell my husband or kids that it's actually GOOD for them.... okay?

What is on top of your refrigerator?
Hungry Hippo's game, nappy bag, Soggy's electric trains, the iron, candles for blackouts, broken toys and craploads of dust. (yes we have a massive fridge.... hence the reason you can fit 2 small kids into it).

What color or design is on your shower curtain?
That horrible bumpy glass that has the wire weaved into it and is a fucking BITCH to clean. (This might be why Soggy gets to clean it).

How many plants are in your home?
None. I kill them too easy.

Is your bed made right now?
Yes..... and I have every intention of messing it up big time..... just as soon as Soggy gets home :)

Comet or Soft Scrub?
Huh? I love watching the skies at night, I saw Halley's Comet when I was a kid. But I could do with a soft scrub if anyone is volunteering! (Now wait and see if it's Angry, Jess or Catei who volunteers first)

Is your closet organized?
Uh huh. I know where everything is. Other people might not agree with me. It would be neater if certain Angry and Sweet people I know would stop hiding in my closet!

Can you describe your flashlight?
Black, Fat and it has the nicest ridges on it. And I can turn it on and off at whim.

Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
Plastic. I have a bad habit of getting the shits with the penises that live here and smashing dishes around. Oh and who has glass and kids in the same house?

Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
Eeeeeeek TEA? Soggy knows it is time to get me to the hospital if he sees me drinking tea. COFFEE!!!!!! Iced coffee in summer. Made to my secret recipe. Heaps of coffee, heaps of milk, a dash of hazelnut flavouring, cinnamon and nutmeg. Cream if I am feeling decidedly naughty (which is 99.99% of the time)

If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
No garage..... if we did...... I don't think so.

Curtains or blinds?
2 rooms have outdoor blinds and the whole house has curtains.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
LOL..... ok..... here goes....... Soggy, curved pillow, bodymate pillow (it's as tall as I am!) and 2 flat pillows so 5 in all. Got you confused yet? I'll let you figure it out and get back to me if you need help figuring out where they all go :)

Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
No. I can get from anyplace in the house to the other at night without hitting anything. I make a point of doing slow tours at night in the dark when we are in new houses. Once I have the floorplan mapped out I am fine. However when I have been drinking the walls jump out and attack me and no one ever believes me!

How often do you vacuum?
This is very scientific actually. When the crunchiness level of floor meets the boiling point temperature of my blood..... I vacuum.

Standard toothbrush or electric?
Standard. Since I stole the alarm clock batteries years ago for my vibrator and forgot to put them back.... Soggy won't let me have anything that needs batteries or chargers.

What color is your toothbrush?
Purple and an opal white colour.

Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch?
I have a mat to wipe feet on but there is nothing welcoming about it. Neither is the reception you will get unless you walk in with food, chocolate or alcohol in your hands.

What is in your oven right now?
Splatters from various dishes (Soggy said he'd clean it about a month ago, I'm still waiting), parts of small children that I am currently baking cause they annoyed me a bit too much and I have a migraine.

Is there anything under your bed?
2 cot mattresses, 1 dismantled cot, shoes, our toy box which has all the stuff the kids should not ever see in it, some whips and chains, some restraints, empty bags and suitcases. Probably some small dead rodents and the parts of the kids I didn't want to cook. (I haven't cleaned under there in a long time)

Chore you hate doing the most?
Ooooo that's a tough one. It's a dead set draw between cleaning the toilet and washing the dishes.

What retro items are in your home?
WTF is retro? The answer is probably no but I am not sure.

Do you have a separate room that you use as an office?
Yes, it's more commonly called the toilet. This is where I hide to make important phone calls, to get 5 seconds peace, to read a page or two of whatever book I am reading, where Soggy and I hold hushed conversations regarding the chances of us having sex sometime this year. Or where I go to scream when it's all getting too much for me.

We do have a sunroom that is kinda the office. But it is shared with the computers, the stuff we don't use often but cannot part with, the electric train set and Bowen's toy area.

How many mirrors are in your home?
Two.

Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home?
Money? Hidden? You have the wrong Yvonne again. We don't have enough to spend.... little own hide any. However I do have an old biscuit tin that I have been dilligently saving coins into for Soggy's 30th birthday at the end of the year. I have nearly $300 saved. Good luck finding it or getting to it if you decide to break in!

What color are your walls?
A crappy sandstone/cream colour.

Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home?
I have one bad arsed cranky husband who will kill you if you breathe on him wrong. I have 2 gaurd children with venomous drool, sharp teeth and a freaky obsession with gnawing on people who annoy them. I am armed with a killer right hook. I also have deadly accurate aim for kicking people in the nuts and then KO them with a right hook to the point of the jaw on their way down. I am quite capable of using anything in my kitchen to cause you pain. I have been known to KO stupid boys with garbage cans. See Soggy for the full story if you wish :)

What does your home smell like right now?
Cheese and Onion Potato Chips, leaves, grass, sunshine and that cool small kid smell.

Favorite candle scent?
Sandalwood. Or these candles his Mum got me from a place I can't think of the name of. Nor can I think what they were called. All I know is they smelt like heaven, made me calm and horny as hell. I must find them again.... and soon.

What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now?
If I had pickles, they wouldn't be shoved in the fridge.

What color is your favorite Bible?
One that's on fire. Too many people have died over stupid religions.

Ever been on your roof?
Heights are one of the few things I don't do.

Do you own a stereo?
Is this a trick question? Yes..... I love my music.

How many TVs do you have?
We had 3. One is on loan to my grandfather, one is broken beyond all hope of salvation. One is in the living room.

How many house phones?
One. Why do you need more than one phone?

Do you have a housekeeper?
Bwah hahahahahahahahaha snort chuckle giggle snort hahahahaha house keeper? chuckle hysterically house keeper? What alternate universe are you living in? I had one last weekend when Soggy went on a rampage and did all the housework and washing for me.... however he resigned on Sunday night.

What style do you decorate in?
It's a really funky style referred to as "op shop garage sale hand me downs maybe occasionally something we bought brandnew"

Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints?
I do like solid colours. However if it was a room just for me it would be combined with some really tasteful florals, some lace, some silk and some velvet. It's more about touch for me. It has to be soft, rich, warm and silky.

Is there a smoke detector in your home?
Yes, it is actually illegal to not have one here in Australia

In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip?
Well seeing as I have already roasted the kids.... they are out. Soggy if he wasn't already by my side helping me grab stuff. I would grab all the photo albums, my computer tower, the toy box under our bed..... there are things in there that even a hardened firefighter would pass out from seeing. The OH FUCK box which contains essential paperwork, medical records etc in case of an emergency. Some clean clothes if I had time. My mobile phone as I have all my numbers stored in it and the kids baby books.

I don't have anyone to tag who hasn't done it !

I Need A Pass Out

You know when you were at school and you needed a pass out for having the day off or leaving early? If you do not remember these, you are too old and should leave right now before I say something that will cause your pacemaker to run off fucking screaming!

Before I forget...... I'd like to welcome Fuffell and Zoe to my blog. These are the ONLY family members I will ever trust with the link to get here. They have the two cutest girls on the planet and there is a distinct possibility that they may be almost as fucked up, warped and twisted as I am. I mean that in the most loving of ways guys :):):) Please make sure you guys register so you can leave me messages here and I can reply!

Okay back to the post Von.... concentrate woman!

I am so tired and worn out. I need a long soak in the bath, a day in bed doing every wicked, nasty and dirty thing I can imagine. 2 days in bed sleeping off the exertion from the orgy the day before. A good quiet meal with friends, time away from my children, time away from my husband, ALCOHOL.... CHOCOLATE..... MORE SLEEP AND MORE SEX. In any order.

The chances of this happening are Buckley's and fuck all. However.......

I have managed to get time off from kids and hubby on Sat night! Hubby is going away overnight for a buck's weekend. Kids have been palmed off. I have a date with Catei. She loves me and will take me to dinner somewhere. She will have chocolate for me. I will get drunk...... I will sleep. So I got a few things checked off the list.

Now will someone please write me a pass out from being a MUM for a period of 24 hours? Please? Thank you

(I had other crap I wanted to say but I have to go make a stupid pirate costume for the stupid pirate day at school tomorrow!)

Part One of the Talcum Powder Serial Killer

I get bored very easily when left to my own devices.



I go do things like this stuff. I am going to claim temporary insanity :)


http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/24/my-limit/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/static/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/cant-keep-up/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/differences/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/out-of-shape/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/sick/#comments



I message people like him at work, start a comments war as above and cause him to laugh so much that his co-workers look at him cautiously and wonder if they should seek a mental health expert for him.



I make my kids participate in crazy shit that makes us all giggle. Like this







And because I wasted so much time doing all of those things. I got nothing done today and have no idea what I am going to say when I need to explain myself :)


Excuse me..... I have to go back to the time out corner with Angry :)

Conversations You Should Have When The Kids Pull An All Nighter

· Actually to tell the truth my motherboard overheated and went to molest yours again
· Tie him up when he's asleep or handcuff him and tell him unless he eats you, he doesn’t get free.... and leave him there!
· It must be you breathing on my neck.... cause it's normally me surrounded by bastards
· Yeah so I can seduce her too
· Now I just have to get past the talking and up to the actual getting laid part and all will be well in my warped world
· Me too... I need it so bad
· Well I hate to say it, but I've had it a few nights this last week ...
· At least one of us is getting some
· I've forgotten what it looks like and need pointers
· I need a pointer too... a really hard pointer
· A really long fat hard pointer
· ****Sigh**** I remember those days..... Before we had kids
· I'm going to become a whore when I get single... look out penises
· I'm going to go now... you two lovely young sexy things try to keep each other satisfied without me...
· Love you both and take good care of your pussies.... god knows no one else is....
· Yeah....I marry the sex machine from hell and now I'm on a drought... go figure. Maybe he needs a new battery?
· Lol, but at least he does have spells of being horny
· Yeah and it only makes it worse
· Beat him into submission at least?
· I could do cartwheels buck naked and he wouldn’t notice
· Yet I used to only have to look sideways at him and he was tearing my clothes off literally and shagging me senseless for hours on end
· I've never had that.... and I want it
· I'm not sure what would be worse.... wishing for something you have never had and can only imagine. Or wanting something you have known and never get anymore
· I think it worse wanting something you once had because you know how good it was
· Actually.... I shagged the mailman... but don’t tell anyone....
· Fucking men..... Can’t we just beat them into submission?
· Between him and his father.... it’s a race who I kill first
· I get near @#$%^ and wanna kill him
· I get near *&^%$# and have to restrain myself from grovelling for permission to molest his body
· Ok.... we trashed our husbands, swapped pictures, trashed our kids.... what's next????
· If my ass is so smart why has it lost it's “getting laid” powers? HUH?
· I need to take care of my itch or I'll be one mean bitch on vacation lol
· 2:30am and both kids are still awake. I am clean at least. I am going to drag out a mallet and knock them both into next year if they don’t go to sleep soon though!
· I am going to go do the dishes, cause if I don’t keep moving I will pass out somewhere and wake up in a puddle of drool cause I am so damn tired
· 3am, dishes are washed, kids are still awake. Watching a DVD cause I have no other ideas for keeping them quiet so they don’t wake *&^%$# cause he's working today. God help these kids if they don’t sleep today sometime!!!!
· Fucking 3:30am and my kids look like they have snorted lines of speed!!!!
· Where's the eyes hanging out of head, bags under eyes, bloodshot eyes, hair everywhere, stressed the fuck out mother emoticon?
· The mallet is looking more appealing by the minute
· No, I don't... that's part of the problem... I want to and can't
· Well I'm available!!!!!!
· And on the other side of the world lmao
· Your point is what exactly? Am I not good enough for you to travel that far or something? HUH? HUH?
· 4am and all is not fucking well.......
· They're still up?
· Yes