Misplaced Threads Of Sanity

My House Is Clean & In Order Again!

2007-10-14T23:03:00.000+10:00

We had a really bad week this week. Parents and family members seemed to have taken bitch/bastard pills, everyone had issues with someone. I was ready to kill anyone who looked at me sideways. The kids were so sick of looking at each other that I had to keep them separated or else mop up all the blood and snot. I was sure I had a few more years to go before they started beating the crap out of each other.... but I digress.

Snot #1 decided to steal a box filled with all my craft knives, stencil knives, fabric markers and expensive pens. I normally keep a close guard on this box, yet he managed to grab it without me noticing. WHEN I realised it was missing, I looked in all the lockable places I normally stash it to no avail. Snot #1 denied any and all knowledge of having seen or touched the box. It wasn't until I started tearing his toy area apart that he walked up to me with it in his hands.

I checked the Snot's bedroom and found shit had been sliced all over the place including sheets and mattresses. So on Friday night at 6:30pm this house went into lock down. All toys were locked away. All sharp objects were locked up. All my work/craft stuff was locked up. Then we started re-arranging the house. We have worked on it all weekend. We have tossed stuff out, culled toys, made repairs, moved the kids into the sunroom which used to be storage/office/ computer room/Snot #1's Toy Area and moved all our stuff into their old room. BIG SIZE DIFFERENCE PEOPLE!

We are cramped and it's untidy in here but I will be working on it all this week :) So..... seeing as Soggy worked so hard this weekend..... I thought I would show you the fruits of our labour. This is also PROOF that MY HOUSE WAS CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! As I have no doubt that it WILL NOT STAY THIS WAY and I may need proof to look at to assure myself it was not all in my head! So without further ado...... start scrolling :)

The Snot's new bedroom. All that is left in here that is not theirs is some very FIRMLY taped up storage boxes.

Snot #1 fast asleep in his bed. No..... he does not have a thing for Tigger or Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends...... really ....... honest.

Snot #2 fast asleep in his bed. The wooden wardrobe is the "Temporary Toy Lockup" which will be in use until their behaviour improves and they earn some toys back. It also provides a separation between them which seems to be working! No..... he does not have a thing for Eeyore (you can't see the one in his arms, or it's ear that he is chewing on while he sleeps)..... he also does not have a thing for Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends...... would I lie to you?

This is all the toys I have allowed them to keep out. You can't see the truck each that they have as they are in their "garages"....... also known as "under the bed parking".

My dining room...... is CLEAN. No food, no plates, no shoes, clothes, schoolbags, lunchboxes, dirty work boots or PEOPLE...... cause they are all ASLEEP! Which is just how I like them cause they don't mess up my house when they are asleep :)

We sorted through all the crap we had piled up here (and I know it won't look it to you, but we got rid of a hell of a lot of it!)..... where we assumed it was SAFE. My children have learnt how to use chairs and climb. I never noticed that we have them arranged so they look like stairs...... until I caught Snot #1 on top of the fridge. There is now nothing breakable or dangerous up there and everything is sealed with packing tape. He ain't getting into them unless he gnaws through the tape with his teeth!

My kitchen. CLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN. Sigh, swoon, grin.

My lounge. (Can you see where they have chewed the material off the arms of the chair? Bloody animals. I gave birth to beavers..... I swear I did). Remind me to take pictures of the gnaw marks in their cots and their beds!!!!! I had to borrow a Dyson vacuum from Soggy's parents as our vacuum D.I.E.D! Dear Santa, I need a Dyson for Christmas cause they suck soooooo good :)

Soggy did all this washing for me and hung it all out so it can dry tomorrow. It's so nice to be loved. Or so I hear :)

The kids even cleaned up all their outside toys (just don't open the cubby house door or you will cause an avalanche) and Soggy mowed the lawns.... all before I even got up this morning. (Note to self...... shagging husband until 3am will result in not even hearing 2 screaming brats and a lawnmower)

No toys....... niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. I am impressed.

The chair was tired apparently, so it laid down for a nap. I consider myself lucky that the chair is the ONLY THING OUT OF PLACE and will not complain.... at all.

The orifice... sorry office. This is my work/craft area and all my rolls of felt! Excuse the mess. I will get it tidied this week :) Snot #1 goes back to school in a few hours. Wooooooooohoooooooo!

Soggy's porn surfing/swear at stupid computer games area. I will also clean this area up this week. Soggy will hate me as he won't be able to FIND anything :) Which is how I want it. If he can't find it, he can't mess it up! (See...... I have an evil and dastardly plan at all times)

My porn surfing/stalk other bloggers/waste hours talking on the Internet area. It's already CLEAN..... so there!

All the stuff we had to put away. Put away as neatly as I could manage. All our books had to be packed away though. I just left out cookbooks and stuff we use all the time. And all the videos I still have to burn onto DVD before they snap or stretch anymore than they already are.

The new lockable door handle so the kids CANNOT get in here. They have to get the key from around my neck first! Bwah hahahahahahaha

My nice clean bedroom (except for the broken TV on the floor which has a date with the rubbish tip this weekend).

Shhhhhhhhhhh Soggy is all worn out and fast asleep. Do you like the "No Standing" sign above the bed? We do! See the pile of pillows on top of the Strider in the corner...... they were mentioned in an earlier post....... I am off to go snuggle into them all right now. I hope you enjoyed the tour :)

Love Von xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Fuffell and ZoZo

2007-10-10T20:39:00.000+10:00

Oh faithful readers,

I have a request, I want you to go visit a blog for me. My brother has started his own blog. He may need some encouragement to keep going, though like me, he has never needed much prompting to talk :)

However being a virgin to msn messenger and blogging..... I'd like you lot to go welcome him, leave him some comments and make him feel at home. Make sure you tell him his warped sister sent you, or he may think freaky people are stalking him!!!!!

Thank you
xoxox Von xoxox

Confucius Says

2007-10-10T20:32:00.000+10:00

Confucius says...... Woman who kneels on floor waiting for her husband to notice she is missing, and come and look for her so she can give him a suprise headjob.... will get sore knees and stomp off after getting sick of waiting.

Confucius also says..... Husband who is too busy looking at stupid videos on the internet to notice his wife is missing and look for her..... will miss out on a damn fine headjob.

Confucius adds..... Husband will get sore wrist when pissed off Wife shuts off his "toybox privileges" for the next month or two :)

Meme For Jess

2007-10-09T14:39:00.000+10:00

Jess asked me to do this. I didn't get any rules with the request (insert evil snickering like Muttley). Do Enjoy :)

What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now?
There is J & J soap for the kids, Soap Free Dermatitis stuff for me and Lynx yummy smelling stuff for him that makes me drool and molest him immediately upon him getting out of shower.

Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
Yes. And it's vanishing FAST.... going.... going..... gooooooooooooooone.

What would you change about your living room?
Firstly..... I'd like to own a living room of my own. Then I'd install drop doors like they have in banks. Then I'd have sensors installed.... so that as soon as anything under 5'1" approached.... the doors drop from the ceiling and no one gets in..... read this as a kid free zone. Then I'd get me a big arsed soft squishy couch/daybed that I could snuggle into. A big BIG BIG TV, an even bigger stereo system and surround sound. I'd install subwoofers into all the chairs so we can all get some "good vibrations"! A mini bar. And finally a universal remote control that only responds to MY FINGERPRINTS so no one can channel surf while I am watching something :)

But seeing as we are renting..... I'll settle for moving into a house with a much bigger living room.

Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
DISHWASHER? You people are confusing me with the Yvonne Who Is Rich. I am the only dishwasher in this house, or at least the only one who does them consistently.... read this as at least 2 times a day.... and doesn't miss bits!

What is in your fridge?
The last time I checked...... 2 small children. There WAS food in there, but due to the kids being in there..... I doubt it's still there!

White or wheat bread?
Neither. We eat Wholemeal 9 grain bread cause it's yummy. But for fuck's sake DO NOT tell my husband or kids that it's actually GOOD for them.... okay?

What is on top of your refrigerator?
Hungry Hippo's game, nappy bag, Soggy's electric trains, the iron, candles for blackouts, broken toys and craploads of dust. (yes we have a massive fridge.... hence the reason you can fit 2 small kids into it).

What color or design is on your shower curtain?
That horrible bumpy glass that has the wire weaved into it and is a fucking BITCH to clean. (This might be why Soggy gets to clean it).

How many plants are in your home?
None. I kill them too easy.

Is your bed made right now?
Yes..... and I have every intention of messing it up big time..... just as soon as Soggy gets home :)

Comet or Soft Scrub?
Huh? I love watching the skies at night, I saw Halley's Comet when I was a kid. But I could do with a soft scrub if anyone is volunteering! (Now wait and see if it's Angry, Jess or Catei who volunteers first)

Is your closet organized?
Uh huh. I know where everything is. Other people might not agree with me. It would be neater if certain Angry and Sweet people I know would stop hiding in my closet!

Can you describe your flashlight?
Black, Fat and it has the nicest ridges on it. And I can turn it on and off at whim.

Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
Plastic. I have a bad habit of getting the shits with the penises that live here and smashing dishes around. Oh and who has glass and kids in the same house?

Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
Eeeeeeek TEA? Soggy knows it is time to get me to the hospital if he sees me drinking tea. COFFEE!!!!!! Iced coffee in summer. Made to my secret recipe. Heaps of coffee, heaps of milk, a dash of hazelnut flavouring, cinnamon and nutmeg. Cream if I am feeling decidedly naughty (which is 99.99% of the time)

If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
No garage..... if we did...... I don't think so.

Curtains or blinds?
2 rooms have outdoor blinds and the whole house has curtains.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
LOL..... ok..... here goes....... Soggy, curved pillow, bodymate pillow (it's as tall as I am!) and 2 flat pillows so 5 in all. Got you confused yet? I'll let you figure it out and get back to me if you need help figuring out where they all go :)

Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
No. I can get from anyplace in the house to the other at night without hitting anything. I make a point of doing slow tours at night in the dark when we are in new houses. Once I have the floorplan mapped out I am fine. However when I have been drinking the walls jump out and attack me and no one ever believes me!

How often do you vacuum?
This is very scientific actually. When the crunchiness level of floor meets the boiling point temperature of my blood..... I vacuum.

Standard toothbrush or electric?
Standard. Since I stole the alarm clock batteries years ago for my vibrator and forgot to put them back.... Soggy won't let me have anything that needs batteries or chargers.

What color is your toothbrush?
Purple and an opal white colour.

Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch?
I have a mat to wipe feet on but there is nothing welcoming about it. Neither is the reception you will get unless you walk in with food, chocolate or alcohol in your hands.

What is in your oven right now?
Splatters from various dishes (Soggy said he'd clean it about a month ago, I'm still waiting), parts of small children that I am currently baking cause they annoyed me a bit too much and I have a migraine.

Is there anything under your bed?
2 cot mattresses, 1 dismantled cot, shoes, our toy box which has all the stuff the kids should not ever see in it, some whips and chains, some restraints, empty bags and suitcases. Probably some small dead rodents and the parts of the kids I didn't want to cook. (I haven't cleaned under there in a long time)

Chore you hate doing the most?
Ooooo that's a tough one. It's a dead set draw between cleaning the toilet and washing the dishes.

What retro items are in your home?
WTF is retro? The answer is probably no but I am not sure.

Do you have a separate room that you use as an office?
Yes, it's more commonly called the toilet. This is where I hide to make important phone calls, to get 5 seconds peace, to read a page or two of whatever book I am reading, where Soggy and I hold hushed conversations regarding the chances of us having sex sometime this year. Or where I go to scream when it's all getting too much for me.

We do have a sunroom that is kinda the office. But it is shared with the computers, the stuff we don't use often but cannot part with, the electric train set and Bowen's toy area.

How many mirrors are in your home?
Two.

Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home?
Money? Hidden? You have the wrong Yvonne again. We don't have enough to spend.... little own hide any. However I do have an old biscuit tin that I have been dilligently saving coins into for Soggy's 30th birthday at the end of the year. I have nearly $300 saved. Good luck finding it or getting to it if you decide to break in!

What color are your walls?
A crappy sandstone/cream colour.

Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home?
I have one bad arsed cranky husband who will kill you if you breathe on him wrong. I have 2 gaurd children with venomous drool, sharp teeth and a freaky obsession with gnawing on people who annoy them. I am armed with a killer right hook. I also have deadly accurate aim for kicking people in the nuts and then KO them with a right hook to the point of the jaw on their way down. I am quite capable of using anything in my kitchen to cause you pain. I have been known to KO stupid boys with garbage cans. See Soggy for the full story if you wish :)

What does your home smell like right now?
Cheese and Onion Potato Chips, leaves, grass, sunshine and that cool small kid smell.

Favorite candle scent?
Sandalwood. Or these candles his Mum got me from a place I can't think of the name of. Nor can I think what they were called. All I know is they smelt like heaven, made me calm and horny as hell. I must find them again.... and soon.

What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now?
If I had pickles, they wouldn't be shoved in the fridge.

What color is your favorite Bible?
One that's on fire. Too many people have died over stupid religions.

Ever been on your roof?
Heights are one of the few things I don't do.

Do you own a stereo?
Is this a trick question? Yes..... I love my music.

How many TVs do you have?
We had 3. One is on loan to my grandfather, one is broken beyond all hope of salvation. One is in the living room.

How many house phones?
One. Why do you need more than one phone?

Do you have a housekeeper?
Bwah hahahahahahahahaha snort chuckle giggle snort hahahahaha house keeper? chuckle hysterically house keeper? What alternate universe are you living in? I had one last weekend when Soggy went on a rampage and did all the housework and washing for me.... however he resigned on Sunday night.

What style do you decorate in?
It's a really funky style referred to as "op shop garage sale hand me downs maybe occasionally something we bought brandnew"

Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints?
I do like solid colours. However if it was a room just for me it would be combined with some really tasteful florals, some lace, some silk and some velvet. It's more about touch for me. It has to be soft, rich, warm and silky.

Is there a smoke detector in your home?
Yes, it is actually illegal to not have one here in Australia

In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip?
Well seeing as I have already roasted the kids.... they are out. Soggy if he wasn't already by my side helping me grab stuff. I would grab all the photo albums, my computer tower, the toy box under our bed..... there are things in there that even a hardened firefighter would pass out from seeing. The OH FUCK box which contains essential paperwork, medical records etc in case of an emergency. Some clean clothes if I had time. My mobile phone as I have all my numbers stored in it and the kids baby books.

I don't have anyone to tag who hasn't done it !

I Need A Pass Out

2007-09-27T10:50:00.000+10:00

You know when you were at school and you needed a pass out for having the day off or leaving early? If you do not remember these, you are too old and should leave right now before I say something that will cause your pacemaker to run off fucking screaming!

Before I forget...... I'd like to welcome Fuffell and Zoe to my blog. These are the ONLY family members I will ever trust with the link to get here. They have the two cutest girls on the planet and there is a distinct possibility that they may be almost as fucked up, warped and twisted as I am. I mean that in the most loving of ways guys :):):) Please make sure you guys register so you can leave me messages here and I can reply!

Okay back to the post Von.... concentrate woman!

I am so tired and worn out. I need a long soak in the bath, a day in bed doing every wicked, nasty and dirty thing I can imagine. 2 days in bed sleeping off the exertion from the orgy the day before. A good quiet meal with friends, time away from my children, time away from my husband, ALCOHOL.... CHOCOLATE..... MORE SLEEP AND MORE SEX. In any order.

The chances of this happening are Buckley's and fuck all. However.......

I have managed to get time off from kids and hubby on Sat night! Hubby is going away overnight for a buck's weekend. Kids have been palmed off. I have a date with Catei. She loves me and will take me to dinner somewhere. She will have chocolate for me. I will get drunk...... I will sleep. So I got a few things checked off the list.

Now will someone please write me a pass out from being a MUM for a period of 24 hours? Please? Thank you

(I had other crap I wanted to say but I have to go make a stupid pirate costume for the stupid pirate day at school tomorrow!)

Part One of the Talcum Powder Serial Killer

2007-09-24T14:33:00.000+10:00

I get bored very easily when left to my own devices.

I go do things like this stuff. I am going to claim temporary insanity :)

http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/24/my-limit/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/static/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/cant-keep-up/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/differences/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/out-of-shape/#comments
http://justatouchofsweetness.com/2007/09/23/sick/#comments

I message people like him at work, start a comments war as above and cause him to laugh so much that his co-workers look at him cautiously and wonder if they should seek a mental health expert for him.

I make my kids participate in crazy shit that makes us all giggle. Like this

And because I wasted so much time doing all of those things. I got nothing done today and have no idea what I am going to say when I need to explain myself :)

Excuse me..... I have to go back to the time out corner with Angry :)

Conversations You Should Have When The Kids Pull An All Nighter

2007-09-15T14:52:00.000+10:00

· Actually to tell the truth my motherboard overheated and went to molest yours again
· Tie him up when he's asleep or handcuff him and tell him unless he eats you, he doesn’t get free.... and leave him there!
· It must be you breathing on my neck.... cause it's normally me surrounded by bastards
· Yeah so I can seduce her too
· Now I just have to get past the talking and up to the actual getting laid part and all will be well in my warped world
· Me too... I need it so bad
· Well I hate to say it, but I've had it a few nights this last week ...
· At least one of us is getting some
· I've forgotten what it looks like and need pointers
· I need a pointer too... a really hard pointer
· A really long fat hard pointer
· ****Sigh**** I remember those days..... Before we had kids
· I'm going to become a whore when I get single... look out penises
· I'm going to go now... you two lovely young sexy things try to keep each other satisfied without me...
· Love you both and take good care of your pussies.... god knows no one else is....
· Yeah....I marry the sex machine from hell and now I'm on a drought... go figure. Maybe he needs a new battery?
· Lol, but at least he does have spells of being horny
· Yeah and it only makes it worse
· Beat him into submission at least?
· I could do cartwheels buck naked and he wouldn’t notice
· Yet I used to only have to look sideways at him and he was tearing my clothes off literally and shagging me senseless for hours on end
· I've never had that.... and I want it
· I'm not sure what would be worse.... wishing for something you have never had and can only imagine. Or wanting something you have known and never get anymore
· I think it worse wanting something you once had because you know how good it was
· Actually.... I shagged the mailman... but don’t tell anyone....
· Fucking men..... Can’t we just beat them into submission?
· Between him and his father.... it’s a race who I kill first
· I get near @#$%^ and wanna kill him
· I get near *&^%$# and have to restrain myself from grovelling for permission to molest his body
· Ok.... we trashed our husbands, swapped pictures, trashed our kids.... what's next????
· If my ass is so smart why has it lost it's “getting laid” powers? HUH?
· I need to take care of my itch or I'll be one mean bitch on vacation lol
· 2:30am and both kids are still awake. I am clean at least. I am going to drag out a mallet and knock them both into next year if they don’t go to sleep soon though!
· I am going to go do the dishes, cause if I don’t keep moving I will pass out somewhere and wake up in a puddle of drool cause I am so damn tired
· 3am, dishes are washed, kids are still awake. Watching a DVD cause I have no other ideas for keeping them quiet so they don’t wake *&^%$# cause he's working today. God help these kids if they don’t sleep today sometime!!!!
· Fucking 3:30am and my kids look like they have snorted lines of speed!!!!
· Where's the eyes hanging out of head, bags under eyes, bloodshot eyes, hair everywhere, stressed the fuck out mother emoticon?
· The mallet is looking more appealing by the minute
· No, I don't... that's part of the problem... I want to and can't
· Well I'm available!!!!!!
· And on the other side of the world lmao
· Your point is what exactly? Am I not good enough for you to travel that far or something? HUH? HUH?
· 4am and all is not fucking well.......
· They're still up?
· Yes

I Have A Sleepover

2007-09-15T12:46:00.000+10:00

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I have a Sleepover, which in case you are confused, is kind of like a Hangover. The differences are listed below in point form for explanatory purposes :-

Hangover
* Little or no food eaten.
* Copious amounts of alcohol are consumed.
* Articles of clothing may vanish without a trace and you cannot figure out how.
* Vomiting of some kind is normally involved.
* People may attack you and do all sorts of piss funny stuff if you are dumb enough to be the first one to pass out!!!
* You may have sex with someone who is uglier than a pit bull while sober yet looks like a movie star at the time. Hopefully you will regain consciousness and get the hell out of there before he/she wakes up.
* Even more hopefully, none of your mates will witness your "dash of shame".
* You will probably consume some sort of food that even the hungriest dog would shy away from. You will pay DEARLY for this at a later point in time.
* You wake up feeling like some little brat is spinning the world at 100,000x normal speed.
* You seem to have been eating carpet while sleeping because you have fuzz in your mouth that may require rubber gloves and a scrubbing brush to remove.
* There is probably vomit in places that make you stand there and go "How The Fuck?" ....... (trust me! I once woke up with vomit on my ceiling) you will probably also closely study the vomit and think "What The Fuck... I don't remember EATING THAT!
* You will have little to no memory of the nights events. A fact anyone who was with you and less drunk will use against you if they are smart enough!

Sleepover
* You are dumb enough at some point in time to think having kids is a great idea.
* You have that thought again and have another one.
* You have a partner who works FUCKING LONG HOURS and you are the stay home parent. (Refrain from killing yourself now, people tell me it gets better, I think they lie, but here's hoping)
* You get kids fed, bathed and into bed with fairly little fuss (this should be the first warning bell.... no fussing = all hell breaking loose later).
* You get the partner who is comatose on the couch into bed, even though they vehemently protest that they WERE actually WATCHING the TV. (through closed eyelids and snores no less!)
* You sit quietly chatting to friends online... waiting for a reasonable amount of time to pass. This is also known as "Thank Fuck Time". You pray no one wakes up and you can just stay wherever you have parked your arse for a while.
* You then go into "Yo-Yo" mode. Where the kids take turns waking up demanding a drink, a hug, a kiss, a story or whatever else will keep them out of bed for 5 more seconds.
* The partner will toss and turn and demand a head-job, a hand-job, sex of some description. Whatever it is will make you glare at them and think VERY NASTY THINGS, or just start screaming in their sleep and waking the rest of the house up.
* You have eyes that are bloodshot and feel like a desert is in them, and you dream up long, involved and intricately complicated ways to kill them all.
* You do this all god damn fucking night...... and when the sun rises YOU ARE STILL AT IT.
* The friends you were chatting with are killing themselves laughing at the comments you are making and at the slow deterioration of your verbal, spelling and typing skills.
* At some ungodly hour you FINALLY get to pass out and go to sleep
* 4 or 5 hours later the little fuckers wake you up demanding to be fed, played with, entertained etc etc
* The whole damn process begins again.

So sleepover is like a hangover, but honestly..... I think I would prefer the hangover :)

8 Questions You Shouldn't Ask Me (Pilfered From Jess)

2007-09-13T00:56:00.000+10:00

I stole this from Jess.... who needs to teach me how to put the blogs I like in the bit at the side cause I forget :) Please? Thank you :)

What are your measurements? Teeny, wide, and oh my god there's a solar eclipse!

Have you ever cheated on your husband? Not since he made an honest woman out of me. Since then it has only ever been in my head, never physical.

Are you always mean? Only when you annoy me, the rest of the time I'm just plain old nasty, dirty, warped, twisted, demented and funny. You must just bring out the best in me :)

Can I get your phone number? If you are unable to hear me telepathically telling you my number then you have not evolved enough to press the buttons!

Will you turn on your cam and strip for me? I'll take my clothes off for you happily. However do they make "wide load web cams"? Do you have a "wide load monitor" to view it on..... and finally you must sign a waiver stating that any injury, blindness, death or illness due to watching me get naked is entirely your fault and I am blameless. You want a slow and saucy strip or a fast and dirty one?

Are any of your sisters single? Yes.... but..... the girl puts the worst hooker you have ever seen to shame. And I wouldn't screw her with your penis... but you go right on ahead :) What do you want engraved on your headstone?

Is your Mum hot? Oh yeah MILF with Menopause!!!!! (Barf, Huey, Ralph, Choke, Gag, Ewwwwwwwwww)

Could you tell me about yourself? 5 foot nothing, great smile, like to laugh, needs constant petting/fondling in order to not mount anything in the vicinity that looks phallic. Prone to physical or verbal abuse when not petted / screwed / ravaged / fondled often enough or long enough. Razor sharp claws and no hesitation in using them on flesh. Deep rooted kinky side that often gets me into strife. Anything else is on a need to know basis.... and seeing as you don't know already.... you don't need to know!

Dear Migraine

2007-09-12T17:41:00.000+10:00

Dear Migraine

I am offering you a once in a lifetime deal..... so pay attention asshole.

You have two choices:-

Choice One is I will buy you a ticket to another head anywhere on the planet you wish, as long as you have your shit packed and leave within a millisecond of reading this letter.

Choice Two is I will declare war on you. I will bomb you with kick arse painkillers, which will be followed by kick arse "no vomit" tablets. You and I both know that the price of me taking the kick arse pain tablets is that I chuck my hole up for the next 8 or more hours.

I feel you use this fact to an unfair advantage, you know I will resist taking any tablets in the hope that my docility will encourage you to have a drink or two at the bar and then fuck off. Due to you playing unfairly and also running up a huge bar tab.... (who the fuck gave you permission to get a bar tab?) I have no wish to parley with you, I will also NOT be accepting an unconditional surrender from you this time.

If you continue to plague me I will be finding the fancy corkscrew thingy we never use and I will be plunging it into my skull, digging around until I locate your current position somewhere behind my left and right eyebrows (how fucking big an arse do you have to cover thet much skull huh?), and removing you post haste.

I will then feed you to my children. It has come to my attention that if they can eat dirt, sand, various leaves and sticks, assorted pet foods when dickheads leave pet food bowls within reach, and about a kilo of snot per day..... their bodies are obviously well capable of handling eating you.... and suffering no ill effects.

You Mr Asshole Migraine Of The Century are no longer welcome in my skull cavity. I hereby remove the V.I.M access I granted you, and you will promptly return The Key To My Brain. You have 30 days to pay the bar tab or I will sic my children onto you. And we both know how they make you quiver, shit yourself and hide under a big rock.

I wish I could say that the time we have spent together has been pleasant, but it has obviously been horrible.

Your millisecond starts ....... now!

That is all.

Nights Of Hilarity Part Three

2007-09-02T15:33:00.000+10:00

They just keep getting dirtier and funnier. The more bits I delete out the funnier they get!

-Take off your hat, and everything else and jump into bed with XXXX and I...
-gets naked and dives into bed
-shoves across to make room in the bed for YYYY
-how are you and those luscious boobs of yours doing?
-not typing with your toes by any chance are we YYYY....?
-tit typing?
-hey now, my boobs type great
-well actually your right one does...
-does that make you 'right titted'...?
-i am ambi-titted
-ahhh that felt good
-ya'll are frisky in the morning eh?
-ah look what I found!
-i am frisky no matter what time it is
-oooh movement catches my attention every time...
-OMG now that's movement....
-just look down
-when it comes to sex i'm always up too...
-and i think i might be getting UP now thank you...
-sits on XXXX up bits to make him stay in bed
-and ALL i brought with me is my rod....
-and what a nice rod it is
-may I hold it? You must be getting a tired hand by now
-I think YYYY may have nodded off again, nudge her awake with your rod
-awwww and I was just about to lick you..... go back to sleep!
-bend for a friend love lol
-oh, i figured you had slick fingers again
-i'm lovin this, surrounded by 4 horny young ladies...
-it's a pleasure to be in a pile up with you. If you notice any wandering hands.... I SWEAR ... they belong to XXXX
-well i can feel hands on the rod, and i know they're not mine...
-where are your hands?
-ummmm why?
-you sound very guilty
-I swear I thought I was holding the bedpost
-**jumps up and makes her strap on bounce** like my penis too ???
-then kiss it for me
-hey who got the camera under my sheets...
-oh shit it falls off if you play with it to much ?
-fuck anything that moves and if it does not move i push it
-don't worry, I'll happily NAIL it back for you...
-i'm moving, i'm moving...
-gag them and tie them up then
-why is it always hot women and butt ugly men?
-because we butt ugly men can't help ourselves...
-my saucy little sexpot, I would be honoured
-my whore ass has been replaced
-i'm taking over
-hands XXXX her whip and snuggles with YYYY to watch the fun
-hey thats my fucking whip
-open legs... better
-Zeus... God Of The Rod
-we can have a sexography
-I should stop stroking him then shouldn’t I?
-WHAT? A girl can stroke a man’s leg or back or bum can’t she? I never said where
I was stroking. U have a dirty mind
-you still need to look own to play with it ?
-I suck
-no... i like watching you playing with it...
-just close your eyes and let me stroke you. Theres no need to watch. I know what I'm doing
-tell him u were up gangbanging all night and he wont notice what you look like at ALL
-kinda made the poor guy bleed
-my crop is all covered in his blood
-why am I stroking the bedpost? anyone got something else I can play with?
-you do... where... what... can I have it... can I keep it.... ooooooooooooooo
-mmmm I got XXXX all to myself, and things from YYYY to play with, ZZZZ rod and a bedpost..... SIGH.... I am a happy girl
-thats' alright though....keep it up...I won't be sending you the bra that I found for you for your birthday
-i dont need a bra my knee caps are nice and warm today
-makes my nipples hard
-is to excited stroking everyone
-cant type with her hands full lol
-brb i have gone numb from my arse to my knees.

I'm waaaaaaay too busy laughing my arse off to comment at all xoxoxoxoxox

Nights Of Hilarity Part Two

2007-09-02T15:13:00.000+10:00

-no no faster faster
-doing it now
-speak to me in the language of fantastic tits
-getting more crowded by the min
-something's poking me in my side
-oh yeah
-fantastic, everyones naked and sweaty
-brb smoke
-ha ha ha.... just gets in a room with 3 women and he can't handle it
-how did i leave half of his name off?
-too busy gobbling his rod to pay attention to the typing perhaps or are you tit typing again?
-must be the first one 'cause my tit typing really sucks
-yeah but u r fucked in the head like me and no one else fucking understands either of us
-well at least some part of me is getting fucked hahahaha
-ewwwwwwwww I know where her tongues been
-wasnt she licking your shoes last night?
-touch wood
-If it pleaseses you
-u can lick him all u like
-keep talkn like that n u mite get laid hehe
-oh I wish I could
-you can pull it off?
-hang on... who's pulling what off?
-but only with your help
-plenty for you too
-has a removable penis.... rrrooowwwrrr
-and it's HUGE
-tuck slurp nibble hehehehe
-so, go back and tell me everything that's happened since i left...
-XXXX got too excited over being here with 3 women and couldn't take it, so he went to bed. YYYY licked ZZZZ. that's about it.
-we all got kicked off
-well i'll be glad to "handle" you three girls... and besides, i'm already in bed...
-here, there's a place right next to me
-all boys in bed, it's just me and my fingers now
-i'm shocked… no wait... excited...
-scoots over and snuggles under XXXX arm. Can't type one handed but together we have 2 good hands for typing and 2 good hands for.........

Nights Of Hilarity Part One

2007-09-02T11:15:00.000+10:00

These past three nights have clarified a few things for me :-

*One... I can still function on an adult level and converse with other "grown up's".
*Two... I can hold my own in a 5-6 person cyber orgy.
*Three... I have some very dirty minded internet pals.
*Four... I can wake up the next morning with my face and my rib cage aching from all the laughter.
*Five... That Soggy can still embarass the utter crap out of me... and I can restrain the urge to shave his eyebrows off when he's asleep as payback.
*Six... That contrary to what I have always believed... I am NOT abnormal... there are lots of other twisted people like me hanging around.

Below are snippets I have taken from the last three nights. It's would be too big a post to do in one hit, so I'll break it down into the three nights. No names will be put here, as I have not asked permission to post this.... I will be careful what I place here. I hope this makes you giggle or run off with your face all red. My ribs wish your ribs the best of luck!

* I get about 4 or 5 hours a night
* I can't remember when the last time was that I got to go to bed early
* I had forgotten how much fun it could be to play with other like minded adults!
* I'm glad you came back to blogging, I missed getting to read you
* Ohhhh goodness.... I'm gonna need some coffee to keep up with yall
* Pffffffffffffft you dont need coffee, $%&* has that HUGE rod to spank you awake with..... remember?
* I feel a computer humping coming on.... I haven't done that in so long
* Didn't you and my computer do that 2 weeks ago? My computer is such a slut when it comes to you
* You're computer molested my computer!
* So does that mean you're expecting some little palm pilots soon?
* Crap. Like I don't have enough trouble on my hands, now I have to deal with all these tiny unwanted computer chips/palm pilots running around my house?
* As long as you remember to pet our pussies
* Okay, stop making me laugh, I'm in danger of having coffee flavoured boogers
* Pussy petting is another thing I do very well...
* I musn't be too bad at it either.... mine never complains
* Mine doesn't complain either, but my fingers damn sure do
* I'm going to say THAT next time I climax..... boooooyyyyyyyaaaaahhhhhh!!
* I aint cumming until I'm good and ready....
* They call me plumb bob because it hangs low and straight...
* Omg my ribs hurt
* sorry... am I too far up....?
* Yeah..... lower
* Wait right there.....dont move... hold that thought
* And my pipe...?
* Hold that too.... I wouldn't want it to get cold and lonely
* Trust you to eat the good bit
* I couldn't help it... it's where all the juice was cumming from
* I think I'm the first man in history to be eaten by two women and not feel a thing!
* Bad girl.... rollover and play dead while we think up some sort of suitable punishment for defiling $%&* Rod
* I must be really bad if he didn't feel any thing.... I'll use my teeth next time
* I want a sentence tattoo'd right next to my pussy that reads "What are you reading this for? Get busy!"
* Nah " Quit Reading And Eat"... less ink...less pain
* Yeah, beat me some more. I need a good whipping to wake me up
* Do turkeys have penises? I can't bloody believe I actually just asked that
* I bet she has gone to check if turkeys have a peni, a penis or penises
* They must or how do they mate?
* Turkeys have small penises...
* Send your boobs to my email account
* Are we putting together a porn site? if so, I've already got it done, just need the pics
* You go "help" her with the huge rod and I'll stand over here (playing with myself) ummmm taking pictures that are not blurry
* I'm hungry.... I need something to eat
* I can help with that too... eat me....
* Sorry @#$%, you seem to be choking on %$#@ Rod again and I can't quite work out what you are trying to say
* How can you laugh with that thing in your mouth?
* I have a really big mouth
* Maybe you should have thought that sentence through a bit more before hitting send!!!
* Put your tits away and just use your fingers....
* How did you know I was typing with my tits?
* Now that's some talent
* I can type with my rod
* I used my boobs
* The left boob needs more typing lessons
* Well, the right one gets played with more
* Will never believe me that I got you tit typing. We could start a new craze here!
* And then she commanded him to crawl to his room so she could administer a spanking!
* So you've played this game before I see....
* I'm gonna have to toughen up and learn how to spank
* Oooo spank me again master, I'm sorry master, I'll be a good girl master, Let me kiss the royal rod... sorry sceptre to prove my sincerity master
* Yes, go to bed and I'll play with myself for a while. I mean, by myself.
* And spend the rest of the night dreaming of spankings, pussies, tits 'n ' tats (hey that's what I'd call my tattoo shop for women if I had one).... and now I've forgotten where I was up to...
* Go to bed you little freaks!

It's even funnier when you edit out all the boring bits and all the laughter that was going on!!!! More to come when I can breathe again..... Stay tuned!

Things That Make Me Go Hmmmmm

2007-08-31T20:32:00.000+10:00

When Soggy (aka lots of sordid and rude words I normally call him but more commonly known as my husband) called a hotel to book accommodation for next week when he will be away working for a few days.... the concierge pointed out that seeing as it will just be Soggy and his apprentice..... they are able to book escorts and calls girls for their guests. What the fuck? Hmmmmm

People who order a large meal from McDonalds and then get Diet Coke or water to go with it. Hmmmmm

People who get offended by seeing a woman's breast when she is feeding her child. No matter where she might be.... what are you doing looking at her boobs you pervert! Hmmmmm

The people who expect to eat off a table where ever they may go, yet expect a mother to go and sit in a toilet/bathroom to feed her child. Or to suffocate the child by putting a blanket over them both so HEAVEN FUCKING FORBID.... no one see's a nipple. How come these people aren't then willing to take their meal and eat it in the toilet/bathroom as well? Hmmmmm

Idiots who look down their nose at either myself or Soggy because we have 2 beautiful children and wear no wedding bands. His band no longer fits as he has put on too much muscle through his job. And it's dangerous for him to wear it even if we DID get it resized. I cannot wear mine for any length of time as I have "itchy as all fuck" syndrome.... causing everything I wear to make me itch like I have fleas. Does not wearing a wedding ring make me less of a woman, less of a mother... or is it just that they think I am a slut? Hmmmmm

Fuckwits who treat me like I am gutter trash just because I don't wear pretty clothes and act all girly. I get along great with most blokes. Women..... I tend to be too blunt for. And seeing as there's a 1000% chance that I will get along with their partner like a house on fire... they view me as a threat. Again with the being treated like a slut. Hmmmmm

Twats who leave nasty comments on other people's blogs. If you don't like it enough that you feel it is okay to be nasty.... don't visit again. Don't compound the childishness by leaving vile remarks! Hmmmmm

How people who become alcoholics or addicts can NOT realise how deeply addicted they are. How they cannot see the changes such addictions bring in both themselves and others. Hmmmm

That is all. I'm all hmmmmed out for this evening :)

You Know Your Man Loves You When......

2007-08-30T20:03:00.000+10:00

He he drives you to the local sheepskin factory and waits patiently in the car while you LUST over all that sheepskin.

He walks into the store to see if you found what you were looking for (a new pair of ugh boots with a sturdy non slip sole. NO REPEATS of Fucked Up Pelvis 101 for this woman). Then walks out WITHOUT saying a word when you smile, say yes, and tell him they are $169.00.

He hands you his wallet when you go out to the car to check that it really is okay to spend THAT MUCH on one set of shoes. Even though you are both aware that the days they will NOT be on your feet in the next year or 5, can be counted on two hands.

He doesn't wait until you have worn the boots to come up with some outrageous I O U of headjobs or handjobs that you must cough up because he paid for the new ugh boots. In fact.... not much is said about them at all.... boots or favours.

He loves me.

I promise I won't put my icy cold feet on your nice warm ballsack while you are sleeping to remind you I need new boots anymore :)

My flash new ugh boots.

The "I am never going to slip and fuck up my pelvis or back EVER again" non slip soles.

The old ones that have been well loved and had more ventilation than ANY ugh boot should ever have.

Dearest Mum

2007-08-30T10:19:00.000+10:00

F&*% off. You are pissing me off beyond the point of no return. I am seconds from ringing you and telling you what I think of you. I borrowed the stupid hole punch thingy at Christmas time, I returned it the next day. I DON’T HAVE IT. MY KIDS DID NOT “BORROW” IT! And with the house full of expensive crap you have….. I am dead sure I could find something a bit more fun to steal than a friggin hole punch.

Do not ring me again and tip toe around basically accusing me of stealing the stupid thing. I may be poor in money however I am NOT poor in morals. I do not steal and I do not lie. I have your parents to thank for teaching me some morals, and raising me to be a good and kind person. You … they failed DISMALLY WITH!

No the kids haven’t hidden it in my house somewhere. Unlike you, I clean EVERY DAMN DAY… not once a century. IF it was here, I WOULD have found it by now. No I will not “just check” once more for you. IT AIN’T HERE…. go bark up someone else’s bloody gumtree.

Or here’s a fabulous idea for you. Start at the front door and clean the bottom floor of the house. Put everything away properly , in a sensible place WHERE YOU CAN FIND IT AGAIN. Repeat that step with the top floor. Repeat that step with the garage and workshop. I am sure that you will find it by following my simple advice. I am sure you will find all the stuff you have “hinted” that I, hubby or the kids have stolen.

If this fails… go to the bathroom…. bend over in front of the mirror… and remove the hole punch from the ONLY VACANT SPOT IN THAT HOUSE! Let me know if Dad’s missing cricket bat (the one I WISH I DID HAVE so I could hit you with it) is up there as well.

I’d like to take this time to inform you that I resign from the position of daughter. Seeing as you have 3 other kids, I am positive none of you will miss me. A fact that has been proven numerous times in my 31 years of life. I would also like a divorce from you and Dad. Thank you. I am sure we will ALL be much happier when this family of “thieves” are out of your lives.

Regards

The ex daughter

Comments As Follows:-

Jess:
Can I have a moment?…. *taking a moment*…. Oh my fucking god!!!! You fucking rock! You know I wanted you to start blogging again and you have done it all on your own! I’m sooooo happy! And I would love to see you divorce that evil woman! Give her hell!

Angry:
Hi Von… nice place you got here… by the way here’s the hole punch I borrowed off you last Christmas without asking… I’m sure you didn’t miss it…

Von:
LOL Jess, now just find me a way to make the header not say “just another” . I have never been just another anything

Von:
Angry
You ass! I’m getting raked over hot coals by the bitch from hell…. and you had it? You owe me now!

Angry:
Sorry Von… I deserve a jolly good spanking… and I think Jess and TBC should spank me too…
…do you have a sister…? …maybe she’d like to spank me as well…
…what about your Mother would she like… oh never mind, I might just be crossing the line about now…

Von:
Ewwwwwwwww my sister is the EPITOMY of Kings Cross. I wouldn’t let her spank you with a ten foot pole.
And I will flog you later for putting the next thing you said (which I will not repeat) into my brain as a mental picture.
Excuse me, my brain needs a bath now

Angry:
…and my work is done…!!!:)

Von:
lol

Moley:
{{{{Von}}}} my sweet thing, so glad to have linked to you via Mocha... At last you are back and I have something else to read and entertain (yes entertain!) me when I'm ambling over the web sphere... I've missed you! Parents.... They are hard work... Divorce sounds like a fine idea... Perhaps you should design how to divorce your parents in 5 simple steps... Could be a winner in the market. Looking forward to reading more, hun, take carexxxxx