Things That Make Me Go Hmmmmm

When Soggy (aka lots of sordid and rude words I normally call him but more commonly known as my husband) called a hotel to book accommodation for next week when he will be away working for a few days.... the concierge pointed out that seeing as it will just be Soggy and his apprentice..... they are able to book escorts and calls girls for their guests. What the fuck? Hmmmmm

People who order a large meal from McDonalds and then get Diet Coke or water to go with it. Hmmmmm

People who get offended by seeing a woman's breast when she is feeding her child. No matter where she might be.... what are you doing looking at her boobs you pervert! Hmmmmm

The people who expect to eat off a table where ever they may go, yet expect a mother to go and sit in a toilet/bathroom to feed her child. Or to suffocate the child by putting a blanket over them both so HEAVEN FUCKING FORBID.... no one see's a nipple. How come these people aren't then willing to take their meal and eat it in the toilet/bathroom as well? Hmmmmm

Idiots who look down their nose at either myself or Soggy because we have 2 beautiful children and wear no wedding bands. His band no longer fits as he has put on too much muscle through his job. And it's dangerous for him to wear it even if we DID get it resized. I cannot wear mine for any length of time as I have "itchy as all fuck" syndrome.... causing everything I wear to make me itch like I have fleas. Does not wearing a wedding ring make me less of a woman, less of a mother... or is it just that they think I am a slut? Hmmmmm

Fuckwits who treat me like I am gutter trash just because I don't wear pretty clothes and act all girly. I get along great with most blokes. Women..... I tend to be too blunt for. And seeing as there's a 1000% chance that I will get along with their partner like a house on fire... they view me as a threat. Again with the being treated like a slut. Hmmmmm

Twats who leave nasty comments on other people's blogs. If you don't like it enough that you feel it is okay to be nasty.... don't visit again. Don't compound the childishness by leaving vile remarks! Hmmmmm

How people who become alcoholics or addicts can NOT realise how deeply addicted they are. How they cannot see the changes such addictions bring in both themselves and others. Hmmmm

That is all. I'm all hmmmmed out for this evening :)

You Know Your Man Loves You When......

He he drives you to the local sheepskin factory and waits patiently in the car while you LUST over all that sheepskin.

He walks into the store to see if you found what you were looking for (a new pair of ugh boots with a sturdy non slip sole. NO REPEATS of Fucked Up Pelvis 101 for this woman). Then walks out WITHOUT saying a word when you smile, say yes, and tell him they are $169.00.

He hands you his wallet when you go out to the car to check that it really is okay to spend THAT MUCH on one set of shoes. Even though you are both aware that the days they will NOT be on your feet in the next year or 5, can be counted on two hands.

He doesn't wait until you have worn the boots to come up with some outrageous I O U of headjobs or handjobs that you must cough up because he paid for the new ugh boots. In fact.... not much is said about them at all.... boots or favours.

He loves me.

I promise I won't put my icy cold feet on your nice warm ballsack while you are sleeping to remind you I need new boots anymore :)

My flash new ugh boots.

The "I am never going to slip and fuck up my pelvis or back EVER again" non slip soles.

The old ones that have been well loved and had more ventilation than ANY ugh boot should ever have.

Dearest Mum

F&*% off. You are pissing me off beyond the point of no return. I am seconds from ringing you and telling you what I think of you. I borrowed the stupid hole punch thingy at Christmas time, I returned it the next day. I DON’T HAVE IT. MY KIDS DID NOT “BORROW” IT! And with the house full of expensive crap you have….. I am dead sure I could find something a bit more fun to steal than a friggin hole punch.

Do not ring me again and tip toe around basically accusing me of stealing the stupid thing. I may be poor in money however I am NOT poor in morals. I do not steal and I do not lie. I have your parents to thank for teaching me some morals, and raising me to be a good and kind person. You … they failed DISMALLY WITH!

No the kids haven’t hidden it in my house somewhere. Unlike you, I clean EVERY DAMN DAY… not once a century. IF it was here, I WOULD have found it by now. No I will not “just check” once more for you. IT AIN’T HERE…. go bark up someone else’s bloody gumtree.

Or here’s a fabulous idea for you. Start at the front door and clean the bottom floor of the house. Put everything away properly , in a sensible place WHERE YOU CAN FIND IT AGAIN. Repeat that step with the top floor. Repeat that step with the garage and workshop. I am sure that you will find it by following my simple advice. I am sure you will find all the stuff you have “hinted” that I, hubby or the kids have stolen.

If this fails… go to the bathroom…. bend over in front of the mirror… and remove the hole punch from the ONLY VACANT SPOT IN THAT HOUSE! Let me know if Dad’s missing cricket bat (the one I WISH I DID HAVE so I could hit you with it) is up there as well.

I’d like to take this time to inform you that I resign from the position of daughter. Seeing as you have 3 other kids, I am positive none of you will miss me. A fact that has been proven numerous times in my 31 years of life. I would also like a divorce from you and Dad. Thank you. I am sure we will ALL be much happier when this family of “thieves” are out of your lives.

Regards

The ex daughter

Comments As Follows:-

Jess:
Can I have a moment?…. *taking a moment*…. Oh my fucking god!!!! You fucking rock! You know I wanted you to start blogging again and you have done it all on your own! I’m sooooo happy! And I would love to see you divorce that evil woman! Give her hell!

Angry:
Hi Von… nice place you got here… by the way here’s the hole punch I borrowed off you last Christmas without asking… I’m sure you didn’t miss it…

Von:
LOL Jess, now just find me a way to make the header not say “just another” . I have never been just another anything

Von:
Angry
You ass! I’m getting raked over hot coals by the bitch from hell…. and you had it? You owe me now!

Angry:
Sorry Von… I deserve a jolly good spanking… and I think Jess and TBC should spank me too…
…do you have a sister…? …maybe she’d like to spank me as well…
…what about your Mother would she like… oh never mind, I might just be crossing the line about now…

Von:
Ewwwwwwwww my sister is the EPITOMY of Kings Cross. I wouldn’t let her spank you with a ten foot pole.
And I will flog you later for putting the next thing you said (which I will not repeat) into my brain as a mental picture.
Excuse me, my brain needs a bath now

Angry:
…and my work is done…!!!:)

Von:
lol

Moley:
{{{{Von}}}} my sweet thing, so glad to have linked to you via Mocha... At last you are back and I have something else to read and entertain (yes entertain!) me when I'm ambling over the web sphere... I've missed you! Parents.... They are hard work... Divorce sounds like a fine idea... Perhaps you should design how to divorce your parents in 5 simple steps... Could be a winner in the market. Looking forward to reading more, hun, take carexxxxx