Meme For Jess

Jess asked me to do this. I didn't get any rules with the request (insert evil snickering like Muttley). Do Enjoy :)

What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now?
There is J & J soap for the kids, Soap Free Dermatitis stuff for me and Lynx yummy smelling stuff for him that makes me drool and molest him immediately upon him getting out of shower.

Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
Yes. And it's vanishing FAST.... going.... going..... gooooooooooooooone.

What would you change about your living room?
Firstly..... I'd like to own a living room of my own. Then I'd install drop doors like they have in banks. Then I'd have sensors installed.... so that as soon as anything under 5'1" approached.... the doors drop from the ceiling and no one gets in..... read this as a kid free zone. Then I'd get me a big arsed soft squishy couch/daybed that I could snuggle into. A big BIG BIG TV, an even bigger stereo system and surround sound. I'd install subwoofers into all the chairs so we can all get some "good vibrations"! A mini bar. And finally a universal remote control that only responds to MY FINGERPRINTS so no one can channel surf while I am watching something :)

But seeing as we are renting..... I'll settle for moving into a house with a much bigger living room.

Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
DISHWASHER? You people are confusing me with the Yvonne Who Is Rich. I am the only dishwasher in this house, or at least the only one who does them consistently.... read this as at least 2 times a day.... and doesn't miss bits!

What is in your fridge?
The last time I checked...... 2 small children. There WAS food in there, but due to the kids being in there..... I doubt it's still there!

White or wheat bread?
Neither. We eat Wholemeal 9 grain bread cause it's yummy. But for fuck's sake DO NOT tell my husband or kids that it's actually GOOD for them.... okay?

What is on top of your refrigerator?
Hungry Hippo's game, nappy bag, Soggy's electric trains, the iron, candles for blackouts, broken toys and craploads of dust. (yes we have a massive fridge.... hence the reason you can fit 2 small kids into it).

What color or design is on your shower curtain?
That horrible bumpy glass that has the wire weaved into it and is a fucking BITCH to clean. (This might be why Soggy gets to clean it).

How many plants are in your home?
None. I kill them too easy.

Is your bed made right now?
Yes..... and I have every intention of messing it up big time..... just as soon as Soggy gets home :)

Comet or Soft Scrub?
Huh? I love watching the skies at night, I saw Halley's Comet when I was a kid. But I could do with a soft scrub if anyone is volunteering! (Now wait and see if it's Angry, Jess or Catei who volunteers first)

Is your closet organized?
Uh huh. I know where everything is. Other people might not agree with me. It would be neater if certain Angry and Sweet people I know would stop hiding in my closet!

Can you describe your flashlight?
Black, Fat and it has the nicest ridges on it. And I can turn it on and off at whim.

Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
Plastic. I have a bad habit of getting the shits with the penises that live here and smashing dishes around. Oh and who has glass and kids in the same house?

Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
Eeeeeeek TEA? Soggy knows it is time to get me to the hospital if he sees me drinking tea. COFFEE!!!!!! Iced coffee in summer. Made to my secret recipe. Heaps of coffee, heaps of milk, a dash of hazelnut flavouring, cinnamon and nutmeg. Cream if I am feeling decidedly naughty (which is 99.99% of the time)

If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
No garage..... if we did...... I don't think so.

Curtains or blinds?
2 rooms have outdoor blinds and the whole house has curtains.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
LOL..... ok..... here goes....... Soggy, curved pillow, bodymate pillow (it's as tall as I am!) and 2 flat pillows so 5 in all. Got you confused yet? I'll let you figure it out and get back to me if you need help figuring out where they all go :)

Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
No. I can get from anyplace in the house to the other at night without hitting anything. I make a point of doing slow tours at night in the dark when we are in new houses. Once I have the floorplan mapped out I am fine. However when I have been drinking the walls jump out and attack me and no one ever believes me!

How often do you vacuum?
This is very scientific actually. When the crunchiness level of floor meets the boiling point temperature of my blood..... I vacuum.

Standard toothbrush or electric?
Standard. Since I stole the alarm clock batteries years ago for my vibrator and forgot to put them back.... Soggy won't let me have anything that needs batteries or chargers.

What color is your toothbrush?
Purple and an opal white colour.

Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch?
I have a mat to wipe feet on but there is nothing welcoming about it. Neither is the reception you will get unless you walk in with food, chocolate or alcohol in your hands.

What is in your oven right now?
Splatters from various dishes (Soggy said he'd clean it about a month ago, I'm still waiting), parts of small children that I am currently baking cause they annoyed me a bit too much and I have a migraine.

Is there anything under your bed?
2 cot mattresses, 1 dismantled cot, shoes, our toy box which has all the stuff the kids should not ever see in it, some whips and chains, some restraints, empty bags and suitcases. Probably some small dead rodents and the parts of the kids I didn't want to cook. (I haven't cleaned under there in a long time)

Chore you hate doing the most?
Ooooo that's a tough one. It's a dead set draw between cleaning the toilet and washing the dishes.

What retro items are in your home?
WTF is retro? The answer is probably no but I am not sure.

Do you have a separate room that you use as an office?
Yes, it's more commonly called the toilet. This is where I hide to make important phone calls, to get 5 seconds peace, to read a page or two of whatever book I am reading, where Soggy and I hold hushed conversations regarding the chances of us having sex sometime this year. Or where I go to scream when it's all getting too much for me.

We do have a sunroom that is kinda the office. But it is shared with the computers, the stuff we don't use often but cannot part with, the electric train set and Bowen's toy area.

How many mirrors are in your home?
Two.

Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home?
Money? Hidden? You have the wrong Yvonne again. We don't have enough to spend.... little own hide any. However I do have an old biscuit tin that I have been dilligently saving coins into for Soggy's 30th birthday at the end of the year. I have nearly $300 saved. Good luck finding it or getting to it if you decide to break in!

What color are your walls?
A crappy sandstone/cream colour.

Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home?
I have one bad arsed cranky husband who will kill you if you breathe on him wrong. I have 2 gaurd children with venomous drool, sharp teeth and a freaky obsession with gnawing on people who annoy them. I am armed with a killer right hook. I also have deadly accurate aim for kicking people in the nuts and then KO them with a right hook to the point of the jaw on their way down. I am quite capable of using anything in my kitchen to cause you pain. I have been known to KO stupid boys with garbage cans. See Soggy for the full story if you wish :)

What does your home smell like right now?
Cheese and Onion Potato Chips, leaves, grass, sunshine and that cool small kid smell.

Favorite candle scent?
Sandalwood. Or these candles his Mum got me from a place I can't think of the name of. Nor can I think what they were called. All I know is they smelt like heaven, made me calm and horny as hell. I must find them again.... and soon.

What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now?
If I had pickles, they wouldn't be shoved in the fridge.

What color is your favorite Bible?
One that's on fire. Too many people have died over stupid religions.

Ever been on your roof?
Heights are one of the few things I don't do.

Do you own a stereo?
Is this a trick question? Yes..... I love my music.

How many TVs do you have?
We had 3. One is on loan to my grandfather, one is broken beyond all hope of salvation. One is in the living room.

How many house phones?
One. Why do you need more than one phone?

Do you have a housekeeper?
Bwah hahahahahahahahaha snort chuckle giggle snort hahahahaha house keeper? chuckle hysterically house keeper? What alternate universe are you living in? I had one last weekend when Soggy went on a rampage and did all the housework and washing for me.... however he resigned on Sunday night.

What style do you decorate in?
It's a really funky style referred to as "op shop garage sale hand me downs maybe occasionally something we bought brandnew"

Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints?
I do like solid colours. However if it was a room just for me it would be combined with some really tasteful florals, some lace, some silk and some velvet. It's more about touch for me. It has to be soft, rich, warm and silky.

Is there a smoke detector in your home?
Yes, it is actually illegal to not have one here in Australia

In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip?
Well seeing as I have already roasted the kids.... they are out. Soggy if he wasn't already by my side helping me grab stuff. I would grab all the photo albums, my computer tower, the toy box under our bed..... there are things in there that even a hardened firefighter would pass out from seeing. The OH FUCK box which contains essential paperwork, medical records etc in case of an emergency. Some clean clothes if I had time. My mobile phone as I have all my numbers stored in it and the kids baby books.

I don't have anyone to tag who hasn't done it !